i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
