i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
