1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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