I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
