i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize