The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
