: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
