Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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