you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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