You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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