Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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