I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
