i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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