WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
