Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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