I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize