An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
