We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I will pee on everything he values.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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