I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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