i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize