I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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