I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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