and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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