Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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