when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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