Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
