oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
