the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i out mim tonsoeep
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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