the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
