so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
