Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
