Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
