he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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