Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
