So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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