I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
