I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
