Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
