My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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