I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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