One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize