my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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