I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
