She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
