i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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