My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
