I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize