But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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