please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize