my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
