Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
