I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
