so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
