the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize