I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We are all done wearing pants today
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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