omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
