I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
