The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am one with the molecules
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
