he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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