Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
