if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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