Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
